take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
