Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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