Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
