Im at strip club and am horny
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
