cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
