He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
