I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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