One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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