Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize