So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
