So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
