my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
