I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
