if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize