I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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