She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
