Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
