So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
