our cab driver is having phone sex.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
