When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
