I just cut my nipple shaving
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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