don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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