I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize