Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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