I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
