Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
