Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
