Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
