ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
