a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
