There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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