so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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