dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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