hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
