So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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