I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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