you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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