Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
