What did we do last night that was yellow?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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