Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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