Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
