You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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