R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
