Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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