I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
