Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
