When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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