Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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