I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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