Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Randomize
