Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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