i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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