JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm sobbing to NWA
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
