got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
