Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
