He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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